...first date...

Just so you all know... I've written about four posts between this one and my last one... but I figured they were way too sad and I didn't want you guys giving me crap for letting Debbie take over so I didn't post any of them. But after my weekend I'm definitely posting this one!

So... it's been a month since my husband's been away from home. It's been rough... I mean, obviously we're surviving but us being apart is so not good for us. For anyone. We ended up being able to skype... thanks to Matt's brother (and his girlfriend) who let us borrow his laptop for a month...who does that?! borrow someones laptop for more than a month!?!? Um. Yea... so it hasn't been too bad. But then again, it kinda makes things worse. For me and the kids, it's great because we can actually see him, talk to him, "virtually" have him around the house. For him, it kills him that he's not with us. He's out there by himself and seeing me and the kids together along with our extended family... it just sucks. Everyone knows he's a FAMILY GUY and nothing hurts him more than seeing his family together and he's not able to be there. But skype is better than no skype so it still works out.

His first pre-season game was earlier this month. Of course they weren't airing the game until THE NEXT MORNING! But we didn't know that so everyone came over to our house thinking we could watch it. We spent almost an hour trying to find out if it was showing anywhere. Finally we found it online after having to pay twenty bucks on NFL.com. YES WE DID all sit around our laptop watching the game! All twenty of us!! Call me crazy but I just couldn't wait to watch it the next morning. We ended up catching the second half of the game by the time we figured it all out. So I woke up at 7am the next morning to watch the first half. It was worth it. I LOVE watching him play. I could watch him all day if I could.

After that game, he ended up hurting his hip towards the end of the game. Nothing MAJOR. He worked on it all week leading up to the next game and his coaches decided to have him get better rather than make it worse in the next game. Which just made my freakin week!

He called me on Thursday to tell me what the plan was and asked if I wanted to fly out to him for the weekend. Would I?!?!?! Are you freakin kidding me?!?!? UH DUHHH!!! He knew the JBoog concert was that same weekend and told me to stay if I didn't want to miss the concert. Ummm... yea right! JBoog hasn't been back to Utah since his last amazing concert a few months ago and as much as I was excited to go to the concert... I didn't even have to think twice about flying out to him!

It only took me (as my FB status stated) two full flights, a route change, a three hour layover and another three hour flight to get there... but I got there!! Nothing could stop me. And everyone knows I HATE flying. I've been on my moms benefits for the last eleven years and I think I've only traveled about eight times. Not kidding.

When I landed, I seriously could not stop smiling. I had goosebumps walking all the way down to meet him. When I saw him, he had the biggest smile I've ever seen. It was the best sight EVER. I felt like we were "online dating" for months and it was the first time we were meeting face to face. It sounds cheesy but I'm being serious. The whole ride to the hotel we both just kept saying how we felt like we were dreaming or something. All smiles, laughing, non stop talking, the jitters... everything! He told me he was so nervous driving all the way to the airport and even on the way home he just couldn't believe I was really there. It was amazing just to be with him. To feel his touch again. I almost forgot what it felt like until we were walking in to have dinner at a restaurant and he put his hand on the bottom of my back... I just felt warm and complete again. That little part of me that was missing for the past weeks was there again. It's was so crazy to me to even have that feeling but I don't think I've ever felt that way before. Up until that moment. It was just perfect. Everything about it. Everything about him. I didn't want it to end.

I ended up cutting my trip short due to full flights and Delta sucking again. But it was worth every minute that I was able to spend with him. I was telling my sister when I got back that it couldn't have happened at a better time. Earlier that week, Matt was having a really tough week. Not physically but emotionally. He was literally missing us. To the point where he actually started questioning everything he was doing. Second guessing football even. When my husband starts questioning football I know there's something wrong. He hated being apart. He hated not being able to see and be with his kids. He felt like he was missing out on everything. He just didn't wanna do it anymore. After long talks and a few tears he felt a little better but I knew he was still hurting. Having me out there for even just a day reminded him of what he's been striving for. During our pillow talk on Saturday night he turned to me and said "I'm ready to play football now." I seriously almost melted. I could see it in his eyes that he truly meant it and was going to do everything he could to bring us together again.

I always tell him that he'll never know how much I really love him. It's almost a bit "too much". But after one of our random text conversations a few weeks ago I really think we're one in the same.

Me: "I just wanna be wherever you are. Is that kinda stalker-ish? LOL"
Him: "Um, if the other stalker agrees it's not ;)"

Yup, whatever you're thinking is right!! We are NOT normal and I LOVE IT!! This weekend was nothing short of amazing and I can't wait for things to [hopefully] fall into place.

*If you read through this whole post I freakin love you! If not, I don't blame you LOL and I don't have any pictures from the weekend because of course since he's been gone my face has been clear as day and two days before I leave I break out! Trust me, there were no pictures taken all weekend with this face and those pimples! XoXo...

...almost two weeks...

Ugh... just when you think things are getting better... you have that one day when it hits you and you just break down. That would be.... well, I think that was Wednesday night. Oh, and Friday night. And last night... and maybe tonight again.

Things are going well for him out there so far. I think today, being Sunday and not having practice and stuff, it really hit him. He misses us. More than usual. It's hard seeing him that way though because he's constantly excited and happy to see us (on skype). Today he was the exact opposite. Well, I mean he was fine but just not all smiles like usual. It makes me sad when I see him that way. It made me forget that he has "feelings" too. Not that I never take him serious or anything... just that he hardly ever shows that side of him, you know? Well, what guy does really?

I'm usually the one having the "break downs" and the dramatic cries at random times... and he's usually the one to be smiling away and trying to get me to laugh every second. Then when the tables turn, it makes me wanna be a lot stronger for him. The way he is for me. But then again, it also makes me want to not to have those "break downs" anymore. I get sad seeing him that way... I can imagine how he feels seeing me cry ugly all the time.

We don't even really know what our timeline is or what's going to happen in the next few weeks. We don't even know when we'll be able to actually see him again. Him being there is of course a good thing. Him coming home will be great for us... but probably not such a good thing as far as football is concerned. But we really can't tell what's in store right now. We just have to play the waiting game...again...like we always do. 

As much as we're missing each other like crazy... we know that this is just another sacrifice we need to make...for us... for the kids. We're excited, anxious, happy, sad, lonely... just all of the above. Like I've been saying all along, it's all bitter sweet. What do you do...

...sigh...

Dear Daddy,

We miss you. 

The days drag. Night time sucks.

Our home just isn't a home without you.

It's all bitter sweet... literally.

Hope to see you soon!

~ Your Niias