...dear janelle...

I still can't believe it. I can't even explain how I feel.

How I've been feeling since.

Non stop emotions just running through my head.

About you, your family, my family, my husband... everything.

I came into work Friday morning after my usual morning routine.

As soon as I got in, a co-worker had to break the news.

Not yours, but someone else's.

One of our collegues had just gotten a call from her brother.

His daughter had commited suicide the night before.

I think she was only 18.

It made me think of when my cousin Gary did the same thing.

I just sat there and thought about it. Eyes filling up, but not crying.

Not even ten minutes later, my sister asked if I heard the news.

"About Nancy? Yea."

"Nancy? No, Ron."

"Ron?"

"Yea...his wife passed away. Just last night."

"Ron??"

"Yea... Ron and Janelle...?"

Right when she said your name my heart dropped and sunk down to my stomach.

Janelle? Are you sure? How? The game? OMG. Ron.

I sat in my office and cried all morning.

I just couldn't hold it in.

I texted Matt right away and told him what happened.

We both couldn't believe it.

That's so sad. We actually knew her.

I seriously felt as if I had just lost my best friend.

Which of course you would laugh at because we haven't been close at all since high school.

But even in high school... we didn't spend that much time together.

I think we were close friends right around the time you started dating Ron remember?

I remember we talked for like almost two hours about your night you had after your prom date with him.

Some pretty juicy stuff if I remember right! Haha.

Remember that week we were so excited about the new crimper?

We both came to school with the same spot burnt off!

OMG that was hilarious.

The girls were tagging pictures from high school the other day.

So not the business.

You guys and your Pink Ladies... I was too cool LOL

Remember that summer you tried to help me

get on the volleyball team...

Yea, your "moms" didn't like me much. Ha!

How bout all those letters we use to write in between classes!

OMG those were the days.

Even Jenise and I would write letters too.

Even if we were in the same class together! LOL

I didn't even know you were into blogging!

I just found your blog the other day.

I think everyone knew Ron was a clown but now everyone

knows he does have a "cupcak'in" side.

I had no idea you guys waited that long to get married either!

Gosh, I guess we really did have a lot to catch up on.

Maybe if we hadn't taken our kids to Vegas for the bowlgame

that year we could've been more apart of the couples group. 

But I'm glad you met Adrian during that time.

It sounds like you guys have gotten pretty close since.

After reading everyones posts to you...

you really did hold a special place in everyones hearts.

It is definitely a sad time for a lot of us here on earth.

But we both know that you're in a much better place...

building your eternal home for you, your husband, your parents, siblings, nieces and nephews.

Sounds like you're not alone either.

I'm glad we crossed paths in this life

and I look forward to seeing you again in the next.

If you see a line of babies waiting to come down... pick one for me.

Okay don't get any ideas...

I'm not pregant now but maybe in a year or two.

But when it happens, I won't forget to ask them if they saw you :)

XoXoXo

Tangi

...first date...

Just so you all know... I've written about four posts between this one and my last one... but I figured they were way too sad and I didn't want you guys giving me crap for letting Debbie take over so I didn't post any of them. But after my weekend I'm definitely posting this one!

So... it's been a month since my husband's been away from home. It's been rough... I mean, obviously we're surviving but us being apart is so not good for us. For anyone. We ended up being able to skype... thanks to Matt's brother (and his girlfriend) who let us borrow his laptop for a month...who does that?! borrow someones laptop for more than a month!?!? Um. Yea... so it hasn't been too bad. But then again, it kinda makes things worse. For me and the kids, it's great because we can actually see him, talk to him, "virtually" have him around the house. For him, it kills him that he's not with us. He's out there by himself and seeing me and the kids together along with our extended family... it just sucks. Everyone knows he's a FAMILY GUY and nothing hurts him more than seeing his family together and he's not able to be there. But skype is better than no skype so it still works out.

His first pre-season game was earlier this month. Of course they weren't airing the game until THE NEXT MORNING! But we didn't know that so everyone came over to our house thinking we could watch it. We spent almost an hour trying to find out if it was showing anywhere. Finally we found it online after having to pay twenty bucks on NFL.com. YES WE DID all sit around our laptop watching the game! All twenty of us!! Call me crazy but I just couldn't wait to watch it the next morning. We ended up catching the second half of the game by the time we figured it all out. So I woke up at 7am the next morning to watch the first half. It was worth it. I LOVE watching him play. I could watch him all day if I could.

After that game, he ended up hurting his hip towards the end of the game. Nothing MAJOR. He worked on it all week leading up to the next game and his coaches decided to have him get better rather than make it worse in the next game. Which just made my freakin week!

He called me on Thursday to tell me what the plan was and asked if I wanted to fly out to him for the weekend. Would I?!?!?! Are you freakin kidding me?!?!? UH DUHHH!!! He knew the JBoog concert was that same weekend and told me to stay if I didn't want to miss the concert. Ummm... yea right! JBoog hasn't been back to Utah since his last amazing concert a few months ago and as much as I was excited to go to the concert... I didn't even have to think twice about flying out to him!

It only took me (as my FB status stated) two full flights, a route change, a three hour layover and another three hour flight to get there... but I got there!! Nothing could stop me. And everyone knows I HATE flying. I've been on my moms benefits for the last eleven years and I think I've only traveled about eight times. Not kidding.

When I landed, I seriously could not stop smiling. I had goosebumps walking all the way down to meet him. When I saw him, he had the biggest smile I've ever seen. It was the best sight EVER. I felt like we were "online dating" for months and it was the first time we were meeting face to face. It sounds cheesy but I'm being serious. The whole ride to the hotel we both just kept saying how we felt like we were dreaming or something. All smiles, laughing, non stop talking, the jitters... everything! He told me he was so nervous driving all the way to the airport and even on the way home he just couldn't believe I was really there. It was amazing just to be with him. To feel his touch again. I almost forgot what it felt like until we were walking in to have dinner at a restaurant and he put his hand on the bottom of my back... I just felt warm and complete again. That little part of me that was missing for the past weeks was there again. It's was so crazy to me to even have that feeling but I don't think I've ever felt that way before. Up until that moment. It was just perfect. Everything about it. Everything about him. I didn't want it to end.

I ended up cutting my trip short due to full flights and Delta sucking again. But it was worth every minute that I was able to spend with him. I was telling my sister when I got back that it couldn't have happened at a better time. Earlier that week, Matt was having a really tough week. Not physically but emotionally. He was literally missing us. To the point where he actually started questioning everything he was doing. Second guessing football even. When my husband starts questioning football I know there's something wrong. He hated being apart. He hated not being able to see and be with his kids. He felt like he was missing out on everything. He just didn't wanna do it anymore. After long talks and a few tears he felt a little better but I knew he was still hurting. Having me out there for even just a day reminded him of what he's been striving for. During our pillow talk on Saturday night he turned to me and said "I'm ready to play football now." I seriously almost melted. I could see it in his eyes that he truly meant it and was going to do everything he could to bring us together again.

I always tell him that he'll never know how much I really love him. It's almost a bit "too much". But after one of our random text conversations a few weeks ago I really think we're one in the same.

Me: "I just wanna be wherever you are. Is that kinda stalker-ish? LOL"
Him: "Um, if the other stalker agrees it's not ;)"

Yup, whatever you're thinking is right!! We are NOT normal and I LOVE IT!! This weekend was nothing short of amazing and I can't wait for things to [hopefully] fall into place.

*If you read through this whole post I freakin love you! If not, I don't blame you LOL and I don't have any pictures from the weekend because of course since he's been gone my face has been clear as day and two days before I leave I break out! Trust me, there were no pictures taken all weekend with this face and those pimples! XoXo...

...almost two weeks...

Ugh... just when you think things are getting better... you have that one day when it hits you and you just break down. That would be.... well, I think that was Wednesday night. Oh, and Friday night. And last night... and maybe tonight again.

Things are going well for him out there so far. I think today, being Sunday and not having practice and stuff, it really hit him. He misses us. More than usual. It's hard seeing him that way though because he's constantly excited and happy to see us (on skype). Today he was the exact opposite. Well, I mean he was fine but just not all smiles like usual. It makes me sad when I see him that way. It made me forget that he has "feelings" too. Not that I never take him serious or anything... just that he hardly ever shows that side of him, you know? Well, what guy does really?

I'm usually the one having the "break downs" and the dramatic cries at random times... and he's usually the one to be smiling away and trying to get me to laugh every second. Then when the tables turn, it makes me wanna be a lot stronger for him. The way he is for me. But then again, it also makes me want to not to have those "break downs" anymore. I get sad seeing him that way... I can imagine how he feels seeing me cry ugly all the time.

We don't even really know what our timeline is or what's going to happen in the next few weeks. We don't even know when we'll be able to actually see him again. Him being there is of course a good thing. Him coming home will be great for us... but probably not such a good thing as far as football is concerned. But we really can't tell what's in store right now. We just have to play the waiting game...again...like we always do. 

As much as we're missing each other like crazy... we know that this is just another sacrifice we need to make...for us... for the kids. We're excited, anxious, happy, sad, lonely... just all of the above. Like I've been saying all along, it's all bitter sweet. What do you do...

...sigh...

Dear Daddy,

We miss you. 

The days drag. Night time sucks.

Our home just isn't a home without you.

It's all bitter sweet... literally.

Hope to see you soon!

~ Your Niias

...five days in...

...and I'm still surviving. Even with all the family time and special events we had this week, I still had time to miss him. I was hoping I wouldn't, but it's normal so I don't feel too bad. When I mentioned possibly going MIA again in my last post, I was serious. A lot of the time it's just easier for me to get over it when I don't go anywhere or see anyone. But that's probably not good either.

Last week, one of my younger brothers got married. Everything turned out really good. Simple yet elegant. Well, that's what I thought at least. I LOVE weddings, probably more than I should. Just everything about it is so precious. My brother and his wife decided to get married so they could move to Arkansas together for school. My brother was offered a full ride there and they decided that they didn't want to live apart any longer so it seemed like the perfect time to start their life together.

That's exactly how Matt and I started our family together. We did the same thing. We planned our wedding in about a week, got married and left to Snow College that very next week. Funny thing is, this weekend, July 30th, just so happened to be our six year anniversary. I had it on my mind this entire month, literally. Then after he left last week, I tried not to think about it. He actually never brought it up either. Until yesterday, we skyped before we started our day and then I just said Babe, do you know what today is? I really thought he wouldn't remember... but he did. It made me smile. We talked a bit about how long we've been together... it's crazy. Ten years together, six years married. I felt happy talking about it... but then it hit me. He looked me straight in the eyes and said Happy Anniversary Baby. I could not hold it in. The tears came, the shaking lips... I don't even know why! I couldn't stop crying. Seeing his face so close but just not there... it killed me. I just couldn't handle it and I lost it. Literally.

I don't know how other couples do it. I know a few people who are living apart from their spouses, some months at a time... I know my situation probably isn't even half as complicated but I can honestly say I know how it feels. I know in the end it'll all pay off and this is just one of the many sacrifices we'll have to make for our family. I'm not complaining, I'm just venting. Like I said before, of course I don't want him to just drop everything and come back... I just wish it didn't have to be so hard. I've had the worse time sleeping since he's been gone. The days drag like no other. I don't ever feel like going anywhere because he's not home. It's sad. But we figured out how we can do our skyping sessions so last night was our first night skyping. Some will probably think it's lame but just like we did a few months ago (when he was in Cali for two months) we skype and leave it up all night. I wake up probably three or four times in the middle of the night so when I did, I at least got to see my husband sleeping next to me on our screen. He even woke me up this morning before he left... on the screen :)

I know, I'm probably making some of you sick right now but I can't help it. This guy is too much. I'm so grateful for the opportunity that he has to even be out there. To be given the chance to show them how much he's capable of taking this on. It's been his dream since he was little. We're so blessed to have come this far and we're just happy that it's even happening. This journey has also helped us realize how much love and support we have from our family and friends. How blessed we are to have the greatest support system anyone could ever ask for.

I thought about it today at church and I realized that we are truly blessed and we need to not take advantage of it. I told myself that this is where we wanted to be and together we can overcome anything. I realized that I want to make things right. Do things the right way. I want to be happy and be happy with my husband and children. My other younger brother went through the temple this weekend. He'll never know how big of an example he is to me. He's always done things "his way" growing up and never following anyone else. That's what I love about him. I'm so happy for what's in store for him and his future companion. He'll be leaving on his mission in October to Anaheim, California. He'll be the first one in our family and the second grandchild out of our immediate family to serve a mission. It'll be exciting. Just another blessing to add to the pot.

Hopefully this week will get better. I'm not expecting much but hopefully it'll go by faster than last week.  I really am fine... really. I love where we are now and what's to come. It's just the "being apart" part that I can't handle. Everyone knows wherever I go Matt goes... and vice versa. So to only see Tangi around just isn't normal. Debbie just needs a few days guys :)

...possibly mia again??

Yesterday, probably within less than two hours, we made our first decision towards what we've been striving for all these years. Matt got a call from the Minnesota Vikings offering him a chance to come out for training camp that starts next week. It was one of thee most greatest moments that we'll never forget. Funny thing is, it didn't really hit us until later that night. We didn't get to bed until almost 3am last night!

We were all smiles ever since. Even this morning as I was leaving for work, I woke up with a huge smile on my face and I just watched him sleep for a minute. I seriously couldn't be more happy for him right now. After the three months apart, sleepless nights, rough days after the draft... he never gave up and I never gave up on him. I've never wanted anything so bad for someone in my life. I just know what he's capable of and how hard he's worked to get where he is. After the draft, it literally broke my heart that he didn't get drafted. It was really hard for me to talk about it with him without crying about it... which didn't help at all because I'm suppose to be the strong one. I was suppose to be his supporter. I can't be balling my eyes out if I'm suppose to be his supporter. How the heck would that work?! It was rough. But after that happened, it brought us that much closer. He spent so much time with the kids and he loved every second of it. I loved coming home to him everyday after not having him home for three months prior to that. It's just the greatest feeling ever. I've always said it's the little things that count and they should never be taken for granted and it's so true. The simplest things... fixing the bed in the morning, picking me up after work, sending me random text messages throughout the day, surprise lunch dates... I can never get sick of it.

This morning I ran back in the house to grab something I forgot and when I walked back into our room, Matt was up. He said I just texted you... they want me there today. Today??? Today as in like within the next twelve hours today?! Ugh. Suck.

I mean duh we knew this would happen but it all just happened so quick, literally. We knew we would be apart for a few weeks... if the lockout ended sooner we would've been apart for months... but for some reason this time seems harder than the last. It didn't hit me until I took him to the airport that he wasn't gonna be home tonight. That he wasn't just gonna be gone for a few hours... he was gonna be gone for a few weeks. I hate it. I hate being apart. I feel like a part of me is gone when he's not around. It might sound cheesy but it's true. He's like my twin. I just don't feel the same when he's not around. I know you probably think I'm crazy and a bit obsessive but I'm being serious. Being apart is so hard and we both can't handle it.

I'm literally tearing up just talking about this. He called earlier and my mom talked to him because she didn't get to see him before he left. How about I had to hold back my ugly cry just from hearing her tell him that we'll be okay and he needs to do what he needs to do to get our family started. Seriously. You would think I was pregnant or something the way I've been almost crying whenever I hear anyone talk about him.

I can't promise I won't be a Debbie Downer but like I mentioned before, I need to be strong, for him. I want to be. If I'm not okay, the kids won't be okay and then Matt won't be okay because he'll be too busy worrying about us. I can't let that happen. Of course I love that things are working out and I wouldn't want him to give any of it up just because I miss him. That's dumb. LOL. I'm just being honest. It'll be hard. I miss him already and we've only been apart for ten hours.

No Skype this time. This'll be awesome. Good thing, there are ten flights a day and it's only a two hour flight... not that I've already looked it up or anything.

Oh Lord... give me strength to get through these next few weeks and be the best supporter, wife and friend to my wonderful husband and children.

...brace yourself...

Okay so we've been back from our Vegas vacation for forever now and it's taking me how long to get this blog up and done. First I was so excited to take all these pictures while we were out there... then the whole time we were there I'd think of things or we'd run into some random situation and I'd think 'I should remember to mention this in my blog'... only because they were literally random thoughts and I figured it be some good reading for some people. Random I know. But anyways so let's see if I can remember those "moments" and hopefully have some pictures to go with it.

So the drive wasn't too bad after all. Most of the drive there consisted of lots of singing, junk food, singing, pictures, singing and singing. I never noticed how beautiful Utah was. Literally. And even after all that singing, my husband and I still suck at it.

I think I only slept once the whole way there. Oh... and I forgot to mention... we ended up with some company on our trip. Our oldest son Shawn came with us. LOL. Yea, Matt's younger brother. We always joke that he's our oldest because he literally does everything and goes everywhere with us. Literally. Since forever. When Matt was going to school at Snow so did Shawn and he lived with us... for two years.

After that we moved back home and so did he... and where was he most of the time? Our house. Then Matt went to the U. So did Shawn. Every morning practice, carpooling, games, bowlgame trips... us and Shawn. I don't mind at all because he's like a brother to me... but I don't think you understand how "attached at the hip" these two boys are. But it was good company though. He seriously keeps us entertained. Laughing, singing, clown'in... everything. But he's never considered a third wheel to us (is that weird?!) and plus they just had a cousin move down from Alaska that week so he came along too! LOL. Um. Yea. Vegas Party of Four. I didn't mind too much though... it was still fun :)

So as soon as we got there we did TONZ of walking!! Like... I've never walked so much in my life! I swear I had thee buff-est calves by the end of our trip! We walked everywhere and anywhere... and I didn't get as dark as I thought I would, thank god! During all the walking there was nothing but half naked people walking around. Someone forgot to tell me that it was okay to wear my bikini wherever I wanted down there. Gross. I guess it would've been a good idea since between stores and hotels we were walking, sweating, drying off... walking, sweating, drying off. I swear we all probably lost ten pounds from just that. 

You already know where my first stop was... MMMMHMMMM... H&M was gonna get it! :)

This one was right across the street from where we were staying. Funny thing is... I went to two H&M's and the first one was a smaller one... how bout it took me only about a half hour to find a lot of really cute stuffin this one. I literally went in, front to back ONCE and found exactly what I wanted. The other H&M... oh my hell... Matt wanted to kill me... we were there for maybe an hour or longer and I came out with one freakin shirt. Um. Yea. But look at how big it was... It was three stories!!! Yea, it was too much for me. 

***Okay, so I started this blog almost three weeks ago and this is seriously how far I've gotten. So instead of typing... I'm posting most of the pictures with captions*** 

 

...us outside of Mile Shop...

 ...Matt's best friend Charles (bottom right) playing... can you believe he does this for fun almost every weekend?! Well, he's Asian so I guess you could believe it LOL...

...some buff guy that kept following me around Vegas =)...

...I didn't buy any but I was tempted...

...you already know...

...I seriously fell in love with them and I had to...

...M&M Store...

...out of all the things to eat, we ate Panda our first day there... yup, we would...

...you'll probably think we're hecka slow but seriously we couldn't figure out how these people made a living doing this until I asked Batman for a picture while shopping and I heard him say "Sure, we'll just talk tips later." Ummmm... what did he just say?!?!? LOL. So with that, we only got a picture with Michael the whole time we were there... and no we didn't even give Michael a tip! I know I felt bad... LOL

...I wouldn't have it any other way...

...SHE.WAS.AMAZING...

...we were this close... it was freakin' AWESOME!!...

Thanks for the best surprise ever Niia. I loved every second with you. The entire weekend was just perfect. From beginning til the end. I wouldn't want to share this weekend with anyone else but you. Thanks for spoiling me. I still don't know what I did to deserve you but I do know that I'm very blessed to have you as my husband and my best friend. I love you Babe...